Lose Control and Feel Better
We all grew up somewhere on the spectrum of “Control” and “Self Determination.” On its extremes we find those who lived with an enormous amount of independence, and those who lived with very little.
Many, to one degree or another, lived their formative years with critically limited control over their early lives. For some it was due to families moving too often for a child to feel comfortable, sick family members who couldn’t be helped, absentee parents, natural disasters, disease, famine or child abuse. No matter the cause, many of those who had no control for whatever reason, will do one of two things. Either they will live purposefully in familiar situations where they still have no, nor seek no, control simply because they have a narrative in their head that tells them they aren’t capable of using it wisely. Or, they will eventually seek control with fierce determination because they mistakenly believe it is possible to have such control, and that the control would actually protect them from harm.
On the other end of the scale, if early life held lots of self determination and freedom and offered little structure, then many people will feel they need lots of independence and they will be fierce about maintaining it. Understand; it is “where” they feel safe. (Or rather, where they stressfully sit and claim to feel safe.) But of course that sort of anxious and intense independence has its own downsides. On the flipside, others will have found the early lack of structure stressful, and so these people will seek lives with lots of control just the same as people who never had it. Bottom line, everyone will be responding to what they perceive as “their situation.”
Fortunately, many of us were born closer to the center of this spectrum and so we have the privilege of wrestling with our own unique groups of insecurities. But for those who endure this one, life can be very stressful because it is filled with internal narratives with themes focused on fear or regret.
The simple fact is, there is no path through life which does not have its difficulties. So there is no need to think and rethink the “fairness” or “reasonability” of anything, nor should we analyze our performance in life against some imaginary yardstick. What is, is what is. If we live in the Moment, we act based on what feels right to us. We witness this in people when they are at their best. There is no weighing of pros and cons in an emergency. People either know they can’t do what needs to be done and they freeze, or they leap into amazing action, like when a Native daycare worker fought off a cougar and saved a child’s life. A cougar; aka a mountain lion. This is an animal that weighs 100 to 200 pounds and the thing essentially works out for a living. In a fight against a childcare worker, you’d have to put your money on the cat. And there’s certainly nothing fair or reasonable about it. The woman was probably underpaid as it was. But she didn’t have time to have a conversation like that in her head. There was no pro and con list. She needed to save the child from the cat. In short: no time to think. Know what? She got hurt, but the kid lived. And she’s still not thinking about it much. When she does, it’s a pretty cool-headed perspective. She’s accepted that the cat was just being a cat, and she’s an advocate for education programs that will allow the cats to co-exist on the planet with people. Her life is good, despite being attacked and injured by a huge wild cat while she was protecting someone else’s kid. Goes against the “we’ll only do what’s best for us” theory unless the “us” is everyone. Which ultimately it is.
So there is no real “control” available to us. What is, is the comforting understanding that the universe is incredibly generous and that if we silence our noisy thinking and listen instead to an awareness we have and can develop, we will realize that God constantly whispers direction to us in a voice of feelings. If it feels bad, you are using your thoughts to go against the natural flow. If you feel good, you are keeping pace with the flow and life seems as timeless as it does effortless. This is not to say you will not have to deal with cougars or any other more mundane little agonies. But without the contrast of those important sensations, the voice of God would have no meaning.
You can see the letters on this page but they do not exist without the contrast of the background. They are like a wave; as interconnected as a crest and its trough. You cannot have only one. And so it is with life. Without the contrast, we cannot find our way. So accept what is. Do this by silencing the whining, argumentative conversation in your head (trust me, it’s almost always whining we’re doing), and instead go for the silent mind that is acceptance. From there, you can hear God whisper in the quiet of contentment. Listen and follow the good feelings.
So take a moment and remember the last time you were really enthusiastic about something. Do you remember how energized and excited and focused you were? Then you might also recall that when you feel like that—when you feel enthusiastic—you don’t notice time passing and work seems effortless. So isn’t it interesting that the root meaning of “enthusiasm” means; “to be inspired or possessed by God.” So don’t argue with God’s whispers. Go quiet. Stop struggling and listen for your feelings. By surrendering the illusion of control you can take the hand of God and join the flow of Tao. And once you’re there, there are no worries. Yes there will be some slow spots, and some serious rapids along every river’s path. There may even be some cougars along the way. But by staying quiet inside, we can guide ourselves to an inspired life. And far from the intellectualism of a “pro and con” list, an inspired life is the sort of existence that will quite naturally evolve toward increasingly rewarding, beautiful and meaningful experiences.
Happy listening.
Enjoy your day.
peace. s
Posted on
Friday, June 6, 2008
by Scott McPherson