To Love is Divine


"Let your love flow outward through the universe.
To its height, its depth, its broad extent, a limitless love, without hatred or enmity.
Then as you stand or walk, sit or lie down, as long as you are awake,
strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth."

Sutta Nipata

Speaking to an adult group class several years ago, I mentioned some of the pleasant by-products that naturally emerge in the wake of us better understanding our role in creating our experiences. At one particular moment I was speaking of the very natural ability to love, well, everyone. For me, family and friends surely felt even closer than they had before my insight. But absolutely everyone seemed so perfect. There was a loving glow about romantic partners, co-workers, casual acquaintances and even total strangers. From my new perspective, a king and a homeless man were equal. The very first question came immediately.

“If you love everyone, then what makes her special?”

The “her” the student was referring to was the very attractive woman I was dating, who also happened to be half-participating the class. She was often helpful with those early sessions, often joining me in (or saving me from) some baking adventure. She’d run herd on the dogs, or make sure the tea was always fresh. As for our time alone, she had a brilliant mind, so conversations were always fascinating and on top of all of that I found her exquisitely, achingly beautiful every single morning I woke up to her. She was not a woman I was interested in wounding in any way shape or form.

What makes her special? I won’t lie, the first thing I heard was my ego saying, “Great. That’s an excellent question. Now you’ve done it. Is there even an answer to this?” And in that fleeting moment I won’t claim that I had charitable thoughts about the keen woman who asked the question. This, after all, referred to the first person I had been romantic with since my incredible insight had hit a few years earlier. But knowing what I had said was true and that my very special feelings for her were too, I simply trusted that the answer would come to me in silence. I dismissed my ego’s voice, believing with full confidence that the Truth is always willing to flow through me if I let it. My mind went quiet.

I heard my spoken voice at the same time everyone else in the room did. I remember distinctly feeling my fearful ego listening in too—hoping this exposed truth wouldn’t threaten my ego’s attachment to her.  But there was my voice, calm and clear, channelling a wisdom far beyond my own personal capability. “Yes, it’s true; I love everyone. But out of the six and one half billion people living on the planet Earth, she’s the only one I want to spend all of my time with.”  

I know. I couldn’t believe it either. The woman who asked the question took the words right out of my mouth when she said couldn’t believe I had managed to make the answer romantic. And the fact was, once I heard myself say it, I knew it was true. Yes, I was quite confident I had an ego and that it was very attached to her, but underneath that I also realized that this was my first romantic relationship where I knew how to love unconditionally. I can’t say that I clearly remember my concept of unconditional love prior to that, but I am confident that it was wrong.

Vaguely, I thought that if someone unconditionally loved you, that they could and would do absolutely anything for you. But unconditional love isn’t someone doing everything you want them to; unconditional love is when we choose to look past all of the details of what another person is doing and instead see the true perfection at the core of their being. It’s like the Hindu view, where people strive to see the perfect divine being at the heart of us all. In that world only the ego sins. So if you are looking past someone’s ego, you are seeing their soul and there is never anything wrong with someone’s soul. Hence, unconditional love.
"Whoever makes love grow boundless, and sets his mind
for seeing the end of birth, his fetters are worn thin.
If he loves even a single being, Good will follow. But the Noble One
with compassionate heart for all mankind, generates abounding good."

Buddha

If you think about it, if people were able to unconditionally love the way my ego thought it worked, then there would be a lot of near-perfect attached people walking around. (Surely we’ve all known precisely what would make each and every one of our ex's better.) And yet here we sit in a world of imperfect individuals, each of us precious and different in a multitude of ways. So how does this new perspective bridge the gap between our inherent “imperfection” and this wonderful new form of love I was experiencing? Good question.

I used to go to a lot of Christian weddings, and the part I disliked pretty consistently was the almost guaranteed reading of a particular section of Corinthians. It goes:

Love is always patient;
love is always kind;
love is never envious
or arrogant with pride.
Nor is she conceited,
and she is never rude;
she never thinks just of herself
or ever gets annoyed.
She never is resentful;
is never glad with sin,
but always glad to side with truth,
whene'er the truth should win.
She bears up under everything,
believes the best in all,
there is no limit to her hope,
and she will never fall.

I used to scoff at this every single time I heard it. Even in the really good marriages I’d witnessed, I’d never seen a couple that didn’t bicker or fight at least once in a while. It was this sort of implausibility that had previously made all of the religions of the world suspicious to me. They seemed to ask for more than human being could do. But as I said, I had misunderstood.

I now know that the Corinthians piece is speaking about love itself and not the individual enacting it. In fact, the two are actually at odds with one another. One is the very material that the universe is made of, and the second a mere shadow cast by the first. There was just no way—from the perspective of the shadow—that I could hope to have seen our greater self and its amazing capabilities. By temporarily losing that sense of self during my insight, I realized that where I thought there was a “self,” instead there is simply an underlying Truth that underpins everything we experience. I knew immediately that if I diligently watched for signs of this Truth at work, that I would realize more loving relationships with all those around me. Love isn’t ever dependent on the other person being different or better. It hinges on our ability to see them clearly, without a veil of judgmental thought.
"Love is not blind—it sees more, not less.
But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."

Rabbi Julius Gordon

So, does the human ego conflict with other human egos? Inevitably. Earnestly. And Honestly. The wandering courses set out by our histories will routinely come to intersections. Our job is not to completely avoid these intersections with our romantic partners or anyone else. Conflict and friction are simply part of the fabric of existence. They are neither are good or bad, and losing that concept liberates us from needing to even entertain the initial judgement. After all, these are nonsensical questions when viewed from a deeper understanding.

An ego will occasionally battle the universe, whether it’s at home, at the office or at play. It wants to win and it can do great destruction on its way to “victory.” But True love sees that each person can only be themselves, and the best of themselves will come out when they feel good. So we should do all we can to help our partners feel wonderful. And at the same time, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we couldn’t do all they thought they needed. In the end, they only need to do the same thing we’re trying to do; as soon as we’re aware we’re viewing the world from a personal perspective, we should calm the chattering thoughts in our heads and in doing so, return to a still state-of-mind. From there, wisdom will guide us.

So quiet that prattling voice that demands to be heard, and instead listen carefully for the whispers of wisdom. For if you ignore the noisy argument in your head that purports to prove your point, you might lose an argument, but you will be free to listen for the feeling that will lead you a whole new kind of living.


Happy listening.


Enjoy your day.

 
peace. s
Posted on Friday, July 18, 2008 by Scott McPherson

1 comment (Add your own)

1. Dianne wrote:
Scott... what an inspirational blog! All of us need to remember the pearls of wisdom it contains! Kudos to you!!

July 21, 2008 @ 9:23 PM

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